A working ratio: aim for about five genuine encouragements for every tease or cutting joke. This family’s humor runs sharp, so the scale has to be tipped deliberately the other way. Praise the effort and the choices within a person’s control — specific, sincere, and only when it’s real. The 5-to-1 is Dr. John Gottman’s “magic ratio” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work); the seven traps below adapt Darren Hardy’s “7 Praise Mistakes” (DarrenDaily).
Gottman’s 5:1 ‘magic ratio’: about five encouragements per tease clears the brain’s negativity bias while still leaving room for the good kind of teasing. Tip too far either way and it stops feeling real.
Seven praise traps — don’t-say / say-instead
1 · Only the outcome
Don’t: “Great, you stayed sober all week.”
Why it misses: ties worth to the result — one slip and the approval vanishes. Pressure, not fuel.
Do: “I know how bad you wanted a drink this week and didn’t — that took something.”
Why it lands: honors the effort, the part actually in their control.
2 · The person, not the act
Don’t: “You’re so strong, you’ve got this.”
Why it misses: a global label (“strong”) becomes a role to keep up; fall short and you’ve failed it.
Do: “Calling the counselor back took guts — you made that call.”
Why it lands: points at one real action they took — undeniable and repeatable.
3 · Over-praising
Don’t: “You’re amazing, I’m so proud, this is incredible, you’re crushing it!”
Why it misses: piled-on hype reads as inflation; the brain quietly discounts it.
Do: “That was a good call. Proud of you.”
Why it lands: one sincere, right-sized line carries more weight than a flood.
4 · Insincere or trite
Don’t: a tossed-off “good job, bud.”
Why it misses: a throwaway line signals you didn’t really notice; it rings hollow.
Do: “Owning your part in that argument — that wasn’t easy to say out loud.”
Why it lands: the specific detail proves you actually saw it — that’s what makes it true.
5 · What comes easy
Don’t: “Nice, you made it to lunch.”
Why it misses: praising the trivial can feel condescending, like you expect little of them.
Do: “Coming out when you were that low — that wasn’t nothing.”
Why it lands: naming the real hard part respects what it actually cost.
6 · What they already enjoy
Don’t: “You’re so good at grilling.”
Why it misses: praising what’s easy for them tells them nothing they don’t already know.
Do: “You went to that meeting even though you dreaded it — that’s the hard kind.”
Why it lands: recognizing what they pushed through is where encouragement does its work.
7 · By comparison
Don’t: “You’re handling this better than most guys would.” (against other people)
Why it misses: ranking against others makes worth conditional and competitive.
Do: “You’re steadier than you were a month ago — that’s real.” (against where they were)
Why it lands: measuring against their own past makes progress personal — and always available.