Family care plan · background

Communication styles — match the tool to the type

Three ways people negotiate a hard conversation, from Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. The same words land completely differently depending on the type. The Assertive wants to feel heard first; most supporters read as Accommodators. Match your approach to who you’re actually talking to.

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“People want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there.”— Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference

Assertive— the type to expectsees self: honest, logical, direct · can land as: emotional, harsh
#1 goal
To be heard and understood
Silence means
A chance for them to talk more
View of time
Time is money — get to it
Best tools: mirrors, labels, and summaries until you get a “that’s right.”
Talk to them like this
  • Make them feel heard before anything else. Once they believe you get them, only then will they listen.They snap “everyone’s on my case” → mirror: “On your case?” → label: “It sounds like this feels like pressure, not support.”
  • Be direct and brief; let your tone carry the warmth. Go easy on reciprocity — give an inch and they may take a mile.
Get them back: any invitation to re-engageWorst match: Analyst
Accommodator— most supporterssees self: personable, relationship-focused · can land as: too talkative
#1 goal
Build and preserve the relationship
Silence means
They’ve done something wrong
View of time
If we’re talking, we’re productive
Best tool: “What” and “How” calibrated questions aimed at implementation.
Talk to them like this
  • Watch tone and body language — their hesitancy won’t come out in words, and they may overpromise things they can’t deliver.Instead of “Can you cover Tuesday?” ask “How would covering Tuesday actually work with your week?”
  • If it goes sideways, repair it directly — with an Accommodator, an apology is basically mandatory.
Get them back: an apology (“I’m sorry”)Worst match: another Accommodator
Analyst— the planner / skepticsees self: realistic, prepared, smart · can land as: cold, standoffish
#1 goal
Gather information, get it right
Silence means
Time to think
View of time
As long as it takes
Best tool: labels, backed by data and given room to think.
Talk to them like this
  • Don’t rush them or fire off calibrated questions; let silence be thinking time, not a gap to fill.Label it: “It seems like you’d want to think this through before committing.”
  • Bring facts, not pressure. Apologies land flat — what wins them back is showing you’re ready to actually get something done.
Get them back: show readiness to accomplishWorst match: Assertive