Family care plan · background

Communication styles — match the tool to the type

Three ways people negotiate a hard conversation, from Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. The same words land completely differently depending on the type. He reads as an Assertive; most of the people supporting him read as Accommodators. Match your approach to who you’re actually talking to.

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Assertive— himsees self: honest, logical, direct · can land as: emotional, harsh
#1 goal
To be heard and understood
Silence means
A chance for him to talk more
View of time
Time is money — get to it
Best tools: mirrors, labels, and summaries until you get a “that’s right.”
Talk to him like this
  • Make him feel heard before anything else. Once he believes you get him, only then will he listen.He snaps “everyone’s on my case” → mirror: “On your case?” → label: “It sounds like this feels like pressure, not support.”
  • Be direct and brief; let your tone carry the warmth. Go easy on reciprocity — give an inch and he may take a mile.
Get him back: any invitation to re-engageWorst match: Analyst
Accommodator— most supporterssees self: personable, relationship-focused · can land as: too talkative
#1 goal
Build and preserve the relationship
Silence means
They’ve done something wrong
View of time
If we’re talking, we’re productive
Best tool: “What” and “How” calibrated questions aimed at implementation.
Talk to them like this
  • Watch tone and body language — their hesitancy won’t come out in words, and they may overpromise things they can’t deliver.Instead of “Can you cover Tuesday?” ask “How would covering Tuesday actually work with your week?”
  • If it goes sideways, repair it directly — with an Accommodator, an apology is basically mandatory.
Get them back: an apology (“I’m sorry”)Worst match: another Accommodator
Analyst— the planner / skepticsees self: realistic, prepared, smart · can land as: cold, standoffish
#1 goal
Gather information, get it right
Silence means
Time to think
View of time
As long as it takes
Best tool: labels, backed by data and given room to think.
Talk to them like this
  • Don’t rush them or fire off calibrated questions; let silence be thinking time, not a gap to fill.Label it: “It seems like you’d want to think this through before committing.”
  • Bring facts, not pressure. Apologies land flat — what wins them back is showing you’re ready to actually get something done.
Get them back: show readiness to accomplishWorst match: Assertive